I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
