everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
