Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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