i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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