Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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