Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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