Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
