I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
