What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
