At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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