She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I want to be your penis for a week.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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