totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
