cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
