I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
