I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
