Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have fence marks all over my body
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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