My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
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When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
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I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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