Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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