He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
