And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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