If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
