i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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