I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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