I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
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I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
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I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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