Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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