six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
His nipple licking is glorious
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