I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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