Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
