i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
