So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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