Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
