At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
