just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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