I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
this just has baby written all over it
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm too high and old for this...