I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
