So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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