The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
