2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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