My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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