I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
