we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
