apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
