Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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