Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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