He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
