I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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