the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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