i was born a porn star she said
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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