Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I love you. Go after that dick
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
