i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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