There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
