Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
she pinky promised me she was 18
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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