Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Randomize
