You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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