I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
