I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
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