24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm sobbing to NWA
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
