i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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