I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
