you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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