if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
